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| Alan: | It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane. |
| Alan: | I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. |
| Alan: | It would be so cool if I could breast-feed. |
| Alan: | Did Ceaser live here? |
| Alan: | Oh, you know what? Next week's no good...the Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine. |
| Alan: | He was a ruh-tard. |
| Alan: | Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something. |
| Alan: | I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese. |
| Alan: | It's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one. |
